WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

Competition

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."



The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."



The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the United States."

Salon.com | Sex- and death-crazed gays play viral Russian Roulette!

History Exam (Don't peek at the answers 'til you try it) answers on the both with the score....I got 3 wrong and I wasn't even born in the 40's..



1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?



a. On the floor shift knob

b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch

c. Next to the horn



2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?



a. Capture lightning bugs

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing

c. Large salt shaker



3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?



a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.



4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?



a. Blackjack

b. Gin

c. Craps!





5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?



a. Suntan

b. Leg painting

c. Wearing slacks





6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?



a. Studebaker

b. Nash Metro

c. Tucker



7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter

b. Chocolate licorice bars

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside



8. How was Butch wax used?



a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust



9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?



a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot

c. Long pieces of twine



10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?



a. Consider all the facts

b. Ask Mom

c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo



11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?



a. Smallpox

b. AIDS

c. Polio



12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"



a. SUV

b. Taxi

c. Streetcar



13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?



a. Old Blue

b. Paint

c. Macaroni



14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?



a. Part of the game of hide and seek

b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores

c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill



15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?



a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring

b. Princess Sacajewea

c. Princess Moonshadow



16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?



a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window

c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure



17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?



a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos



18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?



a. Meatballs

b. Dames

c. Ammunition



19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?



a. The Ink Spots

b. The Supremes

c. The Esquires



20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?



a. Tony Bennett

b. Xavier Cugat

c. George Gershwin



ANSWERS



1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.



2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?



3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top. 4. a) Blackjack Gum.



5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.



7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.



8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.



9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.



10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.



11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.



12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!



13. c) Macaroni.



14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.



15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.



16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.



17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.



18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.



19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.



20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.



----------------------------------------SCORING



17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER !



12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.



0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!

Salt Lake Tribune, January 21, 2003

60 W 400 South, Salt Lake City UT 84101

(Fax: 801-575-6106) (E-Mail: csmart@slweekly.com
)

( http://www.avenews.com
)

http://www.sltrib.com/2003/jan/01212003/utah/22192.asp


Utah Gays Ready for Trouble

By Mark Eddington, The Salt Lake Tribune, meddington@sltrib.com

A gay Democrat firing a 9 mm pistol is not something you see every day in Utah County.

But that was the scene recently at a Springville shooting range, where David Nelson assumed a traditional firing stance - legs shoulder-width apart, a slight forward lean, arms extended - with a semiautomatic and peppered targets.

And he was not alone. Seven others - though not all Democrats - were there with him, taking the four-hour gun-orientation class from certified instructor Michael Stilwell. Their message for those who say guns and gays don't or shouldn't mix: Get used to it.

Nelson is the founder of Pink Pistols of Utah, which aims to educate gays and lesbians about their Second Amendment rights in general and firearms in particular. Doug Krick, a bisexual from Boston, started Pink Pistols in 2000.

Members say they have joined the group because they want the ability to fight back if they become targets. Gays, lesbians and bisexuals ranked fourth in the FBI hierarchy of hate-crimes victims, according to 2001 statistics.

In the absence of effective hate-crime laws, more gays are turning to guns to defend themselves, families and friends. Utah's Pink Pistols - formed in November and now the nation's largest chapter with more than 100 gay, lesbian and straight members - are believers in the loose-knit organization's national motto: "Armed gays don't get bashed."

Nelson says gays and lesbians should familiarize themselves with firearms for self-preservation.

"I'm not advocating vigilante bands of gays and lesbians running around with guns and taking the law into their own hands," says Nelson, a Salt Lake City resident who also founded the Utah Democratic Gay and Lesbian Caucus. "But I've read about instances where guns helped gays and lesbians from becoming victims."

Nelson and a partner were mugged at knifepoint in 1985 by "wannabe gang members" in San Francisco.

While the couple lost only $20, Nelson remembers feeling psychologically numb from the crime. He believes carrying a gun would at least have helped him feel more in control, even though he says would not have used it in that situation.

Salt Lake City activist Michael Aaron, another Pink Pistol, has been followed by motorists and had his front door kicked in because of his sexual orientation and advocacy for gay and lesbian rights.

"The last thing I want to do is get in a situation where I need to use a gun," he says. "But if there ever was a situation calling for a flight-or-fight response, it's good to know the fight option is there."

Self-defense is not the only reason for gun ownership and Pink Pistol membership.

Nelson and others are interested in the competitive aspect of firearms, hoping maybe to compete in the Federation of Gay Games. Politics also helps explain some members' passion for guns.

Aaron, for instance, was intrigued by the prospect of uniting gay activists from the political left with gun advocates from the political right. "I wanted to see what would result," he says.

The juxtaposition can be jarring. Pink Pistols and traditional gay groups, the latter typically favoring gun control, do not see eye to eye.

When Pink Pistols are not drawing fire in the gay community, they often are being greeted with rolled eyes and raised eyebrows.

"It's great they are exercising their Second Amendment rights, but I don't see this as a real issue right now," says Michael Mitchell, executive director of Unity Utah, a lesbian and gay political action committee. "Utah is not a place that denies gun ownership to anyone."

Others battling for gay rights favor passive or nonviolent tactics, the so-called moral high ground. But Nelson does not aspire to those heights, not if it means absorbing a beating or being killed while waiting for police to arrive.

"Is a Matthew Shepard dead on a fence morally superior to a Matthew Shepard having to explain to law enforcement officers why he shot the two perpetrators in self-defense?" he asks.

"If he had been armed like the perpetrators, there could have been a completely different outcome."

Shepard, a gay University of Wyoming student, died in 1998 after being beaten and tied to a fence post.

With their orientation class out of the way, the Pink Pistols will be applying for concealed-firearms permits from Utah's Bureau of Criminal Identification. Members are also setting their sights on changing attitudes on guns within the gay community.

Utah's Pink Pistols meet monthly at various ranges. More information can be found on the group's Web site at www.groups.yahoo.com/group/PinkPistolsUtah.